It's been quite a long time since I posted about dreams, because frankly, I haven't had any remarkable happenings in my nocturnal life in months. But last night, I had a dream that I know was sent to me by God. One of those where, you just know that He is speaking.
The Bible says that God will correct those He loves. I believe that. I believe He tells us, in plenty of time, that we are courting disaster. This was one such dream.
I drempt that I was back at the church I used to attend, Cascade View Presbyterian here in Everett. I was standing in a little room off of the Narthex, and it became evident that everyone was getting ready for a wedding. There was excitement in the air, and everyone was hurry, getting ready for the big event.
I wondered who was getting married, and then I looked down and realized, it was me! "Who am I marrying?" I wondered. I felt absolutly unprepared, because I had no idea I was even engaged.
Now, I have to give you a bit of background. The pastor of this church is someone I nursed a crush on for a few years. If you knew him, you would understand why. He's a wonderful, beautiful soul, and despite the fact that he is in his late fifties, he is very attractive. He's also a widower, raising a daughter on his own. So, yeah, we laugh about it now, but for a long time, I was just crazy about him.
So in the dream, I heard someone say, "Pastor Bob is getting married, we've got to get this place ready!" So, I think, "Cool!"
That's when I look down and see my dress. It's dirty, with a few holes and part of the seam is coming down.
I start to panic, because this just feels wrong. Plus, I didnt have time to shower or shave my legs, or anything. I just feel dirty.
So my bridesmaids run to the store to buy me new pantyhose, and someone else tries to cover up the holes with a corsage, but its no use.
I suddenly notice silence. Everyone is gone. I walk out of the room, and the entire church is empty. I have been stood up.
When I woke up, I was in a nasty mood, even though it was just a dream. I felt betrayed, and I had the horrible thought that this meant that I would never be loved, not by anyone. Not ever.
So I got into the shower, and tried to think about the dream, looking for a positive spin when it suddenly hit me with such force, that I literally found myself sliding down the wall of the shower.
That was a warning dream.
As part of the Bride of Christ, I am to be clean and flawless; That does not mean I am a perfect person. It means I am devoted or I am not. The dream was telling me that I at this point in time, I am not acting like a proper bride for Christ.
Not that I am doing anything horrible. I'm still a Christian. But lately, I have been putting other things before God. And that is how it begins. It begins with watching a movie in favor of reading scripture, or chatting on the phone rather than praying. Or in my case, having impure thoughts about someone to the point where I am spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about that person (Not Pastor Bob)instead of meditating on my Jesus.
The Lord asks relatively little of us. He asks us to make Him the love of our lives, for which we are greatly blessed in terms of wonderful things in this life and in the next. So why do we fall into the habit of putting other things in His place.
He will not share His throne with another, and He shouldn't even be asked to! Jesus, you are still my greatest Love. Forgive me for forgetting what matters.
From now on, Lord, I will be a clean and pure bride.
Last night, I had a nightmare that was so vivid I think I will remember it for life.
In the dream, I had found myself walking by a pond and saw two men in a boat, floating on the pond. It was midwinter, and there was snow and ice everywhere. The pond itself was nearly frozen, although not entirely. I thought it was strange that they would be in the pond.
What is weird, and this is very embarrassing to admit, but in the dream, I asked one of the men for...well, shall we say, a favor. And that is absolutly out of charactor for me! I am celebate and intend to remain as such until the Lord blesses me with marriage. But in the dream, for whatever reason...
The man in the boat said, "Sure, just a minute."
And then, he unexpectedly takes a swing at the other man in the boat and smacks him in the head so hard, he goes flying and lands in the water. His screams are so terrible, as the water is so cold and he is in such pain.
Then, the man in the boat lifts up a huge plank, and where he got it from I do not know, but he begins to row the boat over to his victim, and I know what he is about to do. SO I say, "Please! Dont do it! If you stop now, I promise I will never tell anyone! I promise!"
He looks down at me. I am at the very edge of the pond, and if he wanted to, he could kill me. I feel incredible fear at that moment. He is grinning at me, and his eyes are lit with murderous glee.
I notice his features. He is a big man, probably about three hundred pounds, but he isnt fat. No, most of his weight is muscle. His hair is short, and he has a light beard and mustache. His hair is brunette and his eyes are brown, and his face has sort of a piggish qualitiy to it.
I know somehow that both men are criminals, but he is the "brains" in this partnership. He has been doing this kind of thing since childhood, while his partner is mostly an innocent person, lured into whatever scheme they are trying to cover up by a moment of charactor lapse. There was a promise of easy money, and he took it. I can just sense this.
And this murder is an attempt to cover it up and keep all the money for himself.
He looks at me for a very long time and finally says he agrees.
He leaves and I hurry over to where the victim is. He is screaming that he is going down for the last time. I run over and plunge my arms into the water, up to my elbows. It is fridged cold. I feel around in the water and touch his sweater. It is amazing how acute my senses were in this dream! I can still feel the wet wool in my hands right now.
I grab the sweater, and drag him into the air where he can breath. I look over, and see a woman standing in the distance, taking this all in. For some reason, I think it is Lindsay Lohan.
Dont ask.
The dream progresses, and I am in either an apartment or some cheap little house, like an old RV or singlewide trailer. The place is decorated like its 1972, complete with orange and olive wallpaper and other doodas. I am in the kitchen, when there is a knock at the door. I open it, and there he is.
He has a screwdriver. And he is ready to kill.
I shut the door, but he blocks it. I am pushing against it, and I look at him and say, "I kept my promise! You said you wouldnt hurt me!"
He grins and I know he wants blood. I start screaming for my daughter to call 911 and he finally leaves. My door is severly damaged from the ordeal, and I wonder how I am going to explain this to the landlord.
I wake up, thinking, "Darn you, Lindsay Lohan!"
I am rattled by this. Is it a warning? Is it my imagination? Or am I witnessing something that actually happened?
My Aunt Madeline had dreams like this when she was in nursing school, years ago. She dreamed of a man who murdered girls in their own home. She dreamed from the point of view of someone who survived. The dreams were brutal. And for a long time, she wasnt even sleeping.
Ten years after she graduated and went on to her career as a nurse, she got a call from an old friend from her college days. The friend asked her if she read the paper.
Richard Speck had been arrested for the brutal murder of sorrority girls. The crime fit the dream, down to the last detail.
I wonder if this is similar.
I cant interpret this dream yet. I am too rattled. I will do so after I pray and settle down. For now, I am unable to.
When I make a purpose effort to remember my dreams, I do. And when I pray and seek God more, my dreams also become very clear. Is there therefore a correlation between my spritiual walk and the clarity of my dreams?
I have heard people say we do not dream. On the other hand, scientists say we dream about 40 dreams a night, but only recall a few. That might also make us understand why dreams seem to go from one scene to another with no contiuality.
What do you think? What are your opinions on the dream/no dream question?
Here is a video of Alex Lifeson, the guitarist from RUSH. If you are not a Rush fan, let me fill you in on the background. Alex aparently has some bizare dreams, and talks in his sleep. His wife is sometimes woken up violently with his nocturnal activities (Theyve been married a really long time, so I suppose its not grounds for divorce). Any way, the song La Villa Strangiato was inspired by his wierd dreamscapes, and when they play it live, Alex always does this monolouge which is supposed to be him talking in his sleep. Its different with each show, and its usually pretty funny.
Although I don't really mind being single, and in fact, usually enjoy it, my heart really is aching, lately, for my soulmate. I have prayed for God to send me someone.
I sometimes wax nostolgic over my first real boyfriend of my teens who, although only 17, he was very much a MAN, if you know what I mean, knowing when to be heard and when to be quiet, when to be responsable, when to play and when to work, and what integrity was all about. He was still a kid in many ways, playful and sometimes goofy, but was really very mature in the ways that counted, the qualities that separate boys from men. He was the only one I have ever loved. My ex husband was a friend, but there was no real romance there (We both are able to admit we married only to fill the void in our lives left by other things). Ive written about Jesse in my former blog, but thinking about him only makes me sad for what could have been. We were at the mercy of adults wanting to keep us apart, and did so, successfully. But lets not get into that.
Other times, I think about the illicit moments of my youth and young adulthood...stuff I did before I became a Christian. Stuff I both regret and at the same time, cant stop thinking about.
God tells me that I need to not look back. I tell God if he would just get me a man of my own, I wouldnt have to think about it. He says if I get my mind on Him, He would send someone.
"I have someone in mind, you know. And he is almost ready. So when are you going to be ready for him? I wont send him until you are."
That's a good point. Tricky though. As human beings, we are sexual. We are supposed to be, after all, because He designed us as such. But sex is supposed to be in the proper context, and sexual thoughts are as bad as sexual acts when used in a wrong way. I guess thats why Jesus was so against lusting in the heart.
All this to say, sex AND love have been on my heart and mind, in that I would like to be married again and do things right this time. After almost 20 years of longing, I finally got it through my thick skull that Jesse is gone and has gotten on with his life. I am not going to mourn him any more. I still love him, but enough already. I am going to be open to the idea that there are still wonderful men out there, and I could very possibly meet one.
So here's what happened.
This actually was a dream from a month ago. But its significant because the man in the dream has reappeared to me in other dreams.
I was at this place called Tall Timber Ranch. Its a retreat center owned by the Presbyterian Church outside of Lake Wenatchee, Washington. Folks, this is a beautiful place, and if you understand the nature of this word, its a "Thin place". I used to go up there with my old church, Cascade View Presbyterian, twice a year. Its so remote that your cellphone wont work there (a blessing if you feel about cell phones the way I do...). Anyway, its a place where I went to go get refreshed, to get closer to the people in my church, and to get closer to God.
The place has a main lodge, and that is where most of us hung out just before meal time. In my dream, I was sitting in the main lodge. There were some of the people from my old church there. There were also some of the people from the church where I currently serve as the youth pastor....Odd because none of them have ever been to Tall Timber.
We were sitting, talking and laughing, and I was seated in a comfy chair while at my feet (AT MY FEET!?) sat this beautiful man. I can describe him as easily as if I had a picture of him, folks. He was about six feet tall, well built, brown hair, very soft brown eyes, and a great smile. Hes good looking, but his beauty comes from the inside.
He appeared in another dream, although I can not remember the details. I do remember that he did not look the same, although he was just wonderful to me. The message I got from the dream was that this man would be beautiful inwardly, but he may not look physically like the man I was dreaming about. When I meet him, I will know him...but not necessarily by his apearance.
So recently, I dreamed another dream. This one was very wierd.
This time, we were back at Tall Timber, but we were not actually in the camp itself. I think we were in an office, and I got the impression that he was in some kind of leadership position, and we were having an argument. I was furious, and he was too. Now here is what is really weird....the only thing I had on was a towel. I dont have to tell you that this is a symbol of vulnerability.
Eventually, we cooled off and went over to the river that runs near the property. I said I was sorry for being so angry, and he said he was sure we could work something out. At that moment, I realized that I was in a towel and was deeply ashamed.
So this dude has visited my dreams three times now! The last one has me more than a little concerned. While I usually have no problem disecting my own dreams, I am rather unsure about what to make of this.
Lets assume its prophetic and that this man actually exists and that he is the one I will meet and marry someday. I like that idea.
It could be that the first dream took place at Tall Timber because of the association I have with it being a super spiritual place, a place where I get peace and refreshing, a place where there are good memories. Perhaps both churches are there because of the fact that they each contain folks that I love and would want around if I tied the knot again. And being at my feet....Could that have something to do with Jesus washing the feet of the disciples? That our relationship would not be about power and control, but rather about serving each other?
And the argument. What about that? Could it be that I have to do something in that area? My parents fought all the time, sometimes with violence. And not just physical violence. There was plenty of verbal violence. That was what I took into my marriage when I was young. Plenty of verbal violence. I know now how to argue without hurting someone, but still, I sometimes say things I shouldnt.
By the way, in every dream I have, he is always wearing this dark blue t-shirt, the kind that firemen and policemen wear sometimes when they are off duty.
